Not Yours Anymore
by crzydanclvr
Summary: "So she lets him hold her, and lets her mind go blank of logic and reason." When her world is crumbling, he's there to hold it up. Kind of Clam, implied Derrick and Olivia
1. Chapter 1

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He chases after her blindly, but she's determined not to be caught. The white sidewalk of the neighborhood she's running through feels like quicksand. All she can think of is how cliché all this truly is, and how she can't be his girl anymore. And when he finally catches her, breathing heavily as he spins her around, forcing her to look at him, she simply glares.

"What's wrong?" he asks her, searching her face for any emotion besides hate. No luck, it seems, and he releases his tight grip on her forearms. She shies away from him, but doesn't leave.

"What's wrong?" she repeats angrily. He flinches visibly but she can't stop, spitting out her words. "You go and you cheat and you have the nerve to ask me what's wrong?"

"Claire, she was a mistake! She means nothing to me. I love you, and only you." He reaches forward to capture her lips in a chaste kiss, perhaps thinking the drama is over, done with. But this is far from over. As soon as he's millimeters away her knee jerks up, hard. He crumples, hissing in absolute pain.

"You and I both know that's a lie. I can't be the girl you want me to be, and we both know that." Derrick stops squirming to stare up at her icy blue eyes that are brimming with hurt. He has no reply, and she's propelled forward; now that she's started she can't stop until it's all out. "I used to love you, Derrick. Used to. But now… Everyone, and I mean everyone, has always expected us to end up together. The golden couple, as Massie puts it. But I don't want to be that girl. I can't be that girl."

"Claire…" Derrick lets out a shaky breath and stands to face her. "Who said I wanted that girl? What if I want you?"

Claire closes her eyes, shaking her head. "You want me, but you don't need me. Just like I don't need you. But Olivia… she needs you, Derrick. You're her knight in shining armor. So quit fooling around with the girl that can handle herself and go save that damsel in distress."

"I'm no knight in shining armor. Please… let me have a second chance." She forces herself to open her eyes and look at him. She can see it. She really can picture marrying him, settling in Boston, and becoming a rich housewife with two beautiful kids and a dog that lounges by the fireplace. That path is paved out for her- all she has to do is walk. If she lets him have this chance her future is set just as everyone predicted.

"I'm sorry, Derrick. I can't." And the image is gone- swirled away by a dark storm cloud. Derrick's eyes flicker in disbelief- he's still clinging on to the future she just imagined. She makes her way to him, laying a hand on his shoulder.

The defiance and anger that was coursing through her veins have now died down as she leans to kiss him on the cheek softly. He makes no move to keep her there or push her away; he just stands there, shocked. And then she slowly turns away from him and begins to walk, not looking back once.

Only when she's safely inside the house she and Massie share does she crumple against the door and sob her heart out. She's finally kicked her way out of the mold that has been cast for her, but she can't help but feel like something's broken inside her.

"Are you okay?" Claire stiffens at the sound of another person's voice. She looks around wildly and her gaze falls on a troubled Massie at the foot of the stairs. She just shakes her head and pulls her knees in, crying silently into her arms.

Massie sits beside her softly, just sitting until Claire is ready. Finally Claire looks up at her friend with a tearful expression.

"I did it. I don't have to follow anyone else's future to pave mine… but… I just…" Claire trails off, absently staring at the stark white ceiling. Massie glances at her without her noticing.

"You don't want to be someone's puppet. I get it. But… did you truly love him?"

"I…" Claire clears her throat, but Massie waits patiently. "I- No, not anymore. I used to, but not now. And yet I feel so empty without him in my heart. But how can I feel so when I know that I don't love him?"

"But you did," Massie adds quietly. "And maybe… maybe it's your head that doesn't love him. Maybe your heart is just a little slow." Claire smiles a little, brushing away some of her almost-dried tears. "Or maybe it's because you put him there but someone else kept him there, all these years, and they're unwilling to let go."

"Everyone expected us to be together forever," Claire responds in a whisper. Forever isn't in her vocabulary anymore. "I was with him for so long not for me, you know. I just… I didn't want to disappoint."

"Disappoint? Disappoint who? It's your life, Claire. The only one you shouldn't disappoint is yourself." Massie sighs. "But just don't forget what you have. If you truly, truly love him, don't let him go."

"But I already have," she whispers, hoping her best friend won't catch her ill- disguised regret. "I shoved him away, Massie. I don't know to feel. I'm so free, and yet I chained to the ground and he's the key, just out of reach."

"Only you can break the chain," is Massie's response as she slowly stands, leaving Claire to sort out the rest of her muddled thoughts alone.

Claire ducks behind the bouquet of flowers, unwilling to let the groom spot her. It's been one year since she ended things with Derrick, and one year since her world fell apart. Without him, she was nothing. She knows that now.

She spots Massie talking to a small group of guests and quickly makes her way over to her. She tugs at Massie's sleeve urgently, shooting the guests a smile. "Excuse us."

Claire drags her best friend to a secluded corner with a look of determination. "Why didn't you tell me?" she demands. Massie shrugs in response. "What did you expect me to do?"

"To be civil!" Massie snaps back. "I'm sorry, but I told you to get him back if you truly loved him, and what did you do? You sat at home and sulked. I did everything I could for you, but Derrick and Olivia were your friends, and I'm doing this so you can get over him."

With that Massie walks away, leaving a thoroughly confused and irritated Claire to walk into the ceremony alone. She sits alone at the row closest to the door, unwilling to mingle and refusing to meet Massie's gaze as she passes, not once pausing. And then the music is starting and Olivia is walking through the door with an exuberant beam on her face.

Claire manages to keep from bolting as the bride meets his groom with the happiest look she's ever seen grace his features. And then it's time for the vows.

"Love is something I never thought I'd experience, but you changed that. Because of you I smile a little more, cry a little less, and wake up every day happy. It's because of you I have learned to take chances and never regret anything." Olivia smiles with sheer joy, and Derrick starts.

"Olivia, you were my savior in my darkest hour, my beacon of hope in my sea of despair." Andy can't take another word. She hurries out of the ceremony, tears already brewing. She falls against the stone steps, tears streaming down her face. Anyone can see her out here, in broad daylight, but she doesn't care. She doesn't care about anything now that Derrick's gone.

She curses herself for being so stupid. She let him go when they needed eachother the most, leaving Olivia as his only comforter. Forget kicking down the molds- wasn't it she who cast them in the first place? And now she was alone, with no one but herself to blame.

"Are you alright?" Maybe she isn't as alone as she thought. Andy looks up, and before her stands Cory, an old friend of Derrick's. "It's me, Cam?" Well, it had been a while since she had seen him last. "You're Karen, right?"

"Call me Claire. You're a friend of Derrick's, right?" She hates the way her voice chokes on his name and hates that he had to find her, tear soaked and heartbroken. But he pays no attention to any of these things as he extends a hand out to her. She barely hesitates before placing hers in his and she's being pulled up.

"I am. I'm actually heading into the wedding. Are you coming?"

"No," she responds automatically, and he raises his eyebrows. In an effort to cover it up, she offers a smile. "I… I was actually just leaving. I'm going to call a cab."

Cam nods slowly, and turns to the door of the church. But as his hand rests on the door handle, he suddenly spins back to face her. "Let me drive you home," he offers. Claire immediately starts to protest, but he silences her with a smile. "We went to college together, right?"

"I also went to college with hundreds of nameless faces," she retorts. "Look, that's really sweet, but I don't need a ride."

Claire turns from him, and hurries down the rest of the stone steps with a look of bemusement. He calls after her, "Bye, Claire!"

But she continues on her way, oblivious as he watches her until she disappears into the trees above the sidewalk. She doesn't know this, though. Because she's Claire, and she never looks back.


	2. Chapter 2

**Hola! So I am NOT making this a multi- chap story... well... we'll see but for now I just wanted to add this little part. So a two- shot. It might be a little angsty, I know. But The Chairman's Waltz from Memoirs of a Geisha is so amazing and beautiful and sad, and that was what I waas listening to as I wrote this. So look it up on Youtube if you haven't heard it. It's beautiful! **

**disclaimer: No, I don't own the Clique. If I did I'd be a pretty darn rich thirteen year old girl! Too bad it's not reality.**

Claire dabs at her eyes, even though they're dry. They've long run out of tears.

"- she was a great friend to many. She was an advisor, a comforter, and a lover. I know she will always be in my heart, and I pray that I will see her again someday. I pray we will all see her again. But for now, let her rest in our hearts and strengthen our bonds. Let Massie Block's life be a memory we will not soon forget."

The mass of black mumbles in assent, and Claire looks around for the first time since the funeral started. She sees faces she recognizes from her childhood- Massie's parents, Kendra and William. They're clutching eachother, staring at their daughter's casket, tears streaming down their faces. Claire looks away quickly, ashamed and lonely.

Her thoughts stray to Derrick, who she hasn't seen since his wedding three years ago. Back then she was still a happy, promising citizen ready to contribute her talents and skills. Now she's nothing more than a shell filled with empty promises.

She sees someone else she recognizes, though less so. It's Cam, the boy she saw at Derrick's wedding. She catches his eye and he makes his way to her.

"Hi." He's so quiet that at first she almost doesn't hear him. "Are you okay?"

For a moment she can't answer, an unsteady breath racks her chest and the burn of tears tickles her eyes. But then she takes a deep breath and nods slowly, leaning against him. If he's surprised he doesn't show it, and wraps his arm around her comfortingly.

"Come on." She follows him, not even questioning it. For all she knows he could be taking her into the woods to kidnap her. But strangely, she trusts him. Even after she's learned to be wary of people like Derrick who've lied to her, she still trusts this man she's barely seen since college.

He leads her to the garden in the back, stepping onto the cobblestone sidewalk. The cherry blossoms hang over them, pink and inviting. The small stream trickles merrily beside them, and roses are blooming along the path. Massie would have loved it here, Claire observes, and the pang of loss hits her once more. She will never again have her best friend.

"Now tell me," Cam repeats: his voice low and soothing even though they're far from everyone else. "Are you truly okay?"

"I'll miss her." It's not an answer he's looking for, but she's not done. "She was my secret- keeper, and I hers. It'll never be the same."

"I'm sorry."

"Such hollow words sound sincere coming from even the most malevolent of people," she replies, still not looking at him. Her tone is flat, her voice monotone, and he can't tell what she means by her words. "But Massie always knew exactly what to say."

Her voice cracks: and she turns to him with fresh tears brimming. "I'll never get to talk to her again. She won't be a phone call away anymore. She's really gone, and all because of that stupid car."

A single tear slips out, and many more follow. Soon she's sobbing into his chest, and he can do nothing to comfort her but hold her. She's too grief- stricken to think clearly about what she's doing.

Had her mind still been intact and her heart not pierced, she never would have followed him. She never would have revealed her tears to him. She never would have shown her weakness.

But her mind isn't intact, and her heart is pierced and shattered. So she lets him hold her, and lets her mind go blank of logic and reason.

**Sad? Bad? Good? Let me know what you think! It's short, I know, but I hope it still serves it's purpose well enough.**


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